How Sakura Turned Orochimaru Into a Good Guy
by A-Dream's-Nightmare
Summary: "So what Orochimaru, during all the fighting and attempted killings, you just randomly woke up one morning and decided you wanted to marry me?" He sighed and answered," Sakura, you STABBED me with an ICICLE. I could never get bored of wife like you." In which Sakura learns things she'd rather not know, the Uchihas finally get payback, and Orochimaru gets a serious reality check.
1. How Sakura Got Involved

** So, lately the plot bunnies have been attacking me in my sleep and giving me dreams of stories that I should write. Now, don't get me wrong; some of them are pretty dang cool and I really want to write them, but I can't until some of my other stories are finished. But don't despair, they shall come soon!**

** But last night, the plot bunnies must have discovered crack. Because this is nothing more than a crack-fic. Nonetheless, it made me laugh and I though I'd share it with you guys. Enjoy the OOC'ness.**

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><p>Haruno Sakura looked up at the massive but tastefully decorated mansion sitting on top of the hill. Red and blue lights flashed all around her and men shouted orders to each other. She tuned them out however, merely focusing on the one lit window on the second floor of the mansion where she knew <em>his<em> study was. But there was no silhouette in the window, which was surprising; she expected him to be standing right there, smirking down at all of them, knowing they couldn't come up and get him.

Orochimaru was the worst of the worst; a mafia mob boss with so many connections in the underworld and a small army at his back. Sakura found it odd that he chose to place his permanent home all the way out here, far out of town, but she supposed he just like his privacy. It had taken her and a team of shinobi detectives months to track him down here and the Hokage swiftly granted a warrant for his arrest or death. She was hoping he would resist so she would have reason to kill him. Especially after all he had done to corrupt her ex-teammate and turn him into the dark villain he is today.

But as it was, when the entire Konoha police force arrived on the scene, Orochimaru was more than ready for them. The mansion was so heavily guarded that they had no chance to even get close. Not only were there guards planted firmly at all entrances, but there was a plethora of snipers hidden all around the mansion, taking out anyone who dared to come close. They had already lost a good five men who barreled right onto the premises. Now they were a standstill, neither side moving.

"Well, if we can't go in, then we'll make damn sure he can't come out," Uchiha Fugaku, the head of the Konoha police force, stated, grimfaced. That had been two days ago, when he barricaded the entire mansion, not allowing any supplies to go inside, determined to draw Orochimaru and his henchmen out. But now, time was running out and they needed to take out Orochimaru as soon as possible.

It was Jiraiya, Orochimaru's old police partner, that came up with this ridiculous idea.

"Sakura, I know Orochimaru the best, and I know exactly what he's willing to risk to get something he wants," he had said, as the entire team stood inside their surveillance van, brainstorming of ways to draw the man out. Jiraiya had a goofy grin on his face.

Uchiha Fugaku frowned back at him, having a _very_ good idea of what was going through the old pervert's mind. "Jiraiya…" he spoke warily," You aren't thinking…"

"Only a woman that catches Orochimaru interest can make him drop everything and walk out here like a lovesick puppy!" Jiraiya shouted, fist pumping the air as if it was the best idea in the world.

"Jiraiya-sama, you are brilliant!" his ever faithful followers, Hatake Kakashi and Uchiha Shisui, cheered right along with him.

All around the table, everyone else smacked their foreheads, ashamed to be associated with these three men.

"Well, Jiraiya-sama does have a point, although a bit far-fetched…" Yamanaka Inoichi mused, lightly rubbing his beard, deep in thought. Sakura gawked at him," Inoichi-sempai, you can't be serious! You really don't think a man like Orochimaru will fall for something like that?"

Inoichi turned his blue eyes towards the pink haired woman, the only female on the Shinobi detective team and a right beautiful one at that. Hmm…

"No, Orochimaru won't just walk out here to certain death just to chase a piece of tail," he reiterated, ignoring Jiraiya's objections," But it isn't a secret that Orochimaru has Jiraiya's tendencies to appreciate the beauty of a woman."

Nara Shikamaru narrowed his eyes, catching along," You don't want Orochimaru to come out; you want someone to get _inside_. If we can convince him to let a woman in, we would have eyes on the inside. And if that woman happened to be a kunoichi, then she would have the prime chance to take him out."

Inoichi smirked, glad that the young Nara caught on so quick," Right you are, my boy. Now, to just convince Oroch-"

"Captains!" an officer ran into the van, slightly out of breath as if he had been running. Instantly, everyone stopped talking and looked towards the newcomer.

"Report," Fugaku ordered.

After a few deep breaths, the young officer could talk properly and held up a paper airplane. On one of the wings, **'Fugaku'** had been written in sharpie. "This came from the mansion, Captain," the young man reported," It is a message from Orochimaru."

Everyone exchanged confused glances; did the great and evil Orochimaru really write to them on a paper airplane and shot it out the window?

Itachi, Fugaku's oldest son, sighed and stepped forward to accept the… _letter_.

"So what does it say?" Sakura pressed, looking over his shoulder as he sat down to unfold the airplane. Everyone followed suit and looked over his shoulder.

Soon, Itachi unfolded the paper and laid it out for everyone to see. He read aloud," Send in Haruno Sakura and we will talk negotiations. Try to send in anyone else, and they won't even make it to the front door."

Almost instantaneously, all eyes turned towards the pinkette. Inoichi got that look in his eyes, and right then and there, Sakura knew he wanted _her_ to be the one to seduce and then kill Orochimaru.

Sakura frowned," Well, fuck my life."


	2. How Itachi Fucked Up

The very next morning found Sakura standing in front of Orochimaru's mansion wearing a short red dress courtesy of Jiraiya. (She didn't even _want_ to know why Jiraiya had a closet full of dresses.) But it was damn cold out, as it was still the middle of winter. The thin dress did not help her keep warm at all! Her friend Ino had great fun doing her make up and hair, and thus turning her into a complete beauty. (When Sakura stepped into the surveillance van this morning, Kakashi and Shisui had to excuse themselves because of excessive nosebleeds.)

"Go get 'im, tiger," Shisui teased the pinkette just as she was about to step onto the mansion grounds, having finally recovered from his nosebleed attack. Furious at the situation and how Shisui was _not_ making it any better, Sakura growled at him and knocked him out with one punch. As Shisui landed in the dirt, eyes all swirled and he couldn't tell which way was up, his cousin Itachi ignored him.

Instead, the cheeky brat decided to be helpful and corrected his cousin. There was a certain glint in Itachi's eyes as he regarded Sakura, infuriated and ready to kill someone, hopefully Orochimaru," I believe the correct phrase at his moment in time is 'Knock 'em dead, Sakura'."

Poor Itachi never saw it coming as Sakura's ruby red stiletto hit him on the forehead and knocked him over as well.

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><p>"Ah, my dear Sakura-san, how pleasant of you to join us," Orochimaru's voice was sickly sweet and saccharine, as if he had won the battle already. Sakura resisted the urge to glare fully at him and instead slapped a fake innocent smile on her face.<p>

"And I'm ecstatic you decided to dress up for the occasion, even though it _is_ a bit cold outside for your attire," he continued, leading her up the stairs to his study, she surmised. As soon as his back was turned, and he began walking up the stairs, Sakura opted this was the time to glare at him. Oh, how she wished the guards at the front door hadn't found and removed her microphone, saying that she would not be allowed to enter if she was bugged. Damn him, this was a negotiation and she was in enemy territory. That microphone was her only connection to the officers outside. Annoyed with the man in front of her, Sakura stuck her tongue out at his back.

"I would not do that if I were you, Sakura-san," Orochimaru retorted, not even bothering to turn back around. She eeped and quickly retracted her tongue, wondering just how he knew. He didn't have eyes on the back of his head, did he?

"Ah, here we are," he stopped at the top of the stairs and opened a double set of wooden doors," My private study. After you, miss Sakura."

With a smirk on his face, as if knowing how uncomfortable she was, he bowed mockingly and held the door open for her. Making no effort to hide her hatred, Sakura waltzed into the study as if she owned it. But her expression of hate soon turned into one of curiousity as she looked all around the study, inspecting it.

It was tastefully designed, being mostly made of surprisingly richer earthy tones. The drapes were pulled closed, making the room seem darker than it actually was. And then there were candles lit everywhere, instead of the traditional lamp like most people would use.

_'Fire hazard,'_ she noted, wondering, if she just tipped one of the candles over, just how fast the whole place would go down in flames. It was a pleasing image.

"Please, take a seat," Orochimaru gestured towards one of the plush guest chairs, sadly not near any of the large burning candles. Reluctantly, she took a seat while he sat down in his own plush office chair behind his desk.

He smiled eerily," Now, let's get down to business."

The next hour was spent arguing back and forth, as Orochimaru made ridiculous demands and conditions to which Sakura immediately shot down. Really, he wanted a trial case with a judge and jury of his choosing, and his own jury? Idiot, that wasn't how it worked. As Sakura spent ten minutes describing the law system and how the judge was chosen by the state and the jury twelve random people, she had the feeling he was doing it just for his own amusement.

And then when that didn't work, he wanted no trial with no chance of the death penalty, instead wanting to remain under house arrest for a determined amount of year, within the comfort of his own home. To which she retorted back," To be confined to his mansion wouldn't be a prison! It would a bloody vacation!"

He smirked," Why thank you for the compliment on my home, Sakura-san."

Then he asked for a nicely furnished prison cell, no smaller than 20X20, with unlimited visits and gifts from his peers. She answered that with a swear word and a 'Hell no!'.

Halfway through the negotiations, Orochimaru's favorite henchmen, Kabuto, entered the room with a servant following at his heels. "Tea and snacks, anyone?" Kabuto asked politely, but with a smirk on his face that annoyed the hell out of Sakura. Not waiting for her reply, he gestured for the servant to set down a tray with a plate full of finger sandwiches, two cups, and a pitcher of tea.

"This isn't a bloody picnic, for Kami's sake!" Sakura exploded, pointing accusing fingers at both men," This is a negotiation and you two need to start treating it like one!"

Both men ignored her and began speaking with one another. Kabuto bowed to his leader before speaking," Orochimaru-sama, there is an issue downstairs that needs to be taken care of immediately."

Orochimaru raised an eyebrow at this," Oh?"

Kabuto nodded," The Uzumaki brat found the breaker box outside the mansion and has switched wires around, making quite a mess of the lights and stoves and oven in the kitchen."

Orochimaru nodded, though not at all amused by the situation, and stood. Excusing himself from Sakura's presence, he followed Kabuto, making sure to lock the door behind him. Sakura frowned,_' Well damn, there went my escape plan.'_ She glanced around the study,_' Then again… He wasn't exactly a genius when leaving me alone in his private study…'_

Not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, Sakura decided to do some exploring. Just as she was perusing the bookshelf (because his desk was locked, damn), not surprised to find it full of the nation's criminal history (Oro's gotta keep his evil villianry up to tradition), there came a small sound from the window. Startled and slightly curious, she made her way over to the large window and threw open the curtains. When the sight of about ten squad cars parked out on the front lawn met her, she wasn't surprised; she had been down there only hours before. But instead, her eyes were drawn to the crow perched on the windowsill. In its beak, it held a small package.

She opened the window and let the bird in. After quick checking the room to make sure no one else was there, it hopped in and set its package down on the desk.

"Itachi sure does like his crow summons, huh?" Sakura sighed, recognizing the bird as one of Itachi's, and picked up the package," Using you to send me something rather than just give it to me this morning. Bastard."

The crow clucked at her, as if agreeing, and then flew back out the window. Sakura untied the string and unraveled the brown paper surrounding the package, and a small vial fell into her hands.

She almost shouted in glee. Itachi sent her poison! Almost immediately, her eyes strayed over to the tray and tea, eyeing the already poured cups. Sakura's laid untouched, but Orochimaru had already taken a swig of his own. If she were to add something now… he would never know the difference until it was too late.

With a particularly evil grin on her face, Sakura dumped the contents of the poisonous vial into Orochimaru's tea. She made it back to her seat just in time for the door to open again and the two evil madmen walked back in.

"And this time, I expect no one to get near the mansion, Kabuto," Orochimaru was near scolding his faithful follower," If need be, redirect a sniper to cover the breaker box."

Kabuto voiced his affirmative and after smiling and greeting Sakura (she flipped him the bird in reply), left the study. Orochimaru turned back around and faced Sakura, and noted how chilly it suddenly got in here.

"You opened the window?" he mused," You _are_ aware we are on the second floor, yes?"

"I wasn't gonna jump out the damn window," she retorted back at him," It was just too stuffy in here for me."

He just shrugged his shoulders and sat back down in his seat," Very well, if fresh air is all you require, then I'll let it be. But do keep in mind, Miss Haruno," a particular glint appeared in his eye that made Sakura just a tad bit uncomfortable," should you ever feel the need to suddenly leave, please feel free to use the stairs, as the window is not exactly the most appropriate exit."

She almost didn't resist the urge to just pry his mouth open and pour the poison down his throat. Instead, she covered it with a fake smile and thanks for his 'consideration'.

"Now, back to our… _negotiations_," the way he said it almost made her want to scream and die, or throw up. She couldn't decide.

To distract herself, she began a tirade on how he can't just go asking for negotiations when he was clearly surrounded and even if he remained holed up in his mansion, he would eventually be starved out of his own home. He retorted back that his lawyers were currently on the job, and that the warrant probably only had a week's worth of value left. She frowned, knowing that he had the best lawyers in the nation, and come hell or high water, they would probably throw this all back in her face and Orochimaru would walk.

"After all, my lawyer's _are_ the best," he was bragging as he picked up his forgotten tea," And though you may have evidence against some of my… crimes, some of the more substantial allegations against me would be more difficult to prove."

Sakura shot back a snappy response, but her attention did not leave the cup of tea in his hands. Would he take a sip? How fast acting was the poison Itachi sent her? Would he even notice the poison in his tea? She nearly froze at that one. Did Itachi send her a _flavorless_ poison? Or did he just expect her to force it down his throat and not try to hide it?

She decided she'll kill Itachi if it wasn't flavorless and she was caught and then killed.

Luckily, or maybe unluckily, she didn't have to wait long. For soon after Orochimaru boasted about his lawyers, he raised the tea to his lips and took a sip. But then he froze instantly, as if pondering something. Sakura noted with alarm that he didn't swallow the tea, merely held it in his mouth with a thoughtful expression on his face.

_'Damn you Itachi, damn you to Hell!' _she screamed in her mind, having a full blown panic attack,_' You fucking fool! Now he knows it's been poisoned! I'LL KILL YOU!'_

Orochimaru suddenly fixed a glare right onto Sakura and she knew then and there she was a dead woman. Still not taking his eyes off of her, he spit the tea out of his mouth and back into the cup with a look of disgust. Slowly, with an air of intimidation, he set the cup back down and made to stand up.

In a flurry of fright, Sakura did the first thing that came to her mind. Rather than fight for her life, she threw her cup of tea in his face. And in the split second that he was startled and unable to see, she leaped out of her chair and made her way to the only exit. However, knowing that Kabuto was on the other side of the door, she jumped out the window…

And landed in a big pile of snow with a shriek.

"Orochimaru-sama!" Kabuto rushed into the room, alarmed at the sound of screaming. Instead, he was met with a most peculiar scene. Orochimaru still sat at his desk, face dripping from his tea and held an annoyed expression. He heard Sakura's voice coming from outside the window on how fucking cold the snow it, how her short dress did _nothing_ for her, and that she was apparently going to murder her fellow detective, Itachi.

Both Orochimaru and Kabuto didn't dare go near the window to pursue the woman, knowing that the police had their own snipers. No, Orochimaru just wiped his face clean and dumped the contents of his own tea back into the pitcher.

"Kabuto," he spoke icily and the silver haired medic jumped at his tone, suddenly afraid for his life.

"Y-yes, Orochimaru-sama?" he responded, standing at attention with his arms at his sides.

"You will send another letter to our dear officer friends, asking for Sakura to return so we can have another attempt at negotiations. She will be expected at 8 o'clock tonight, along with her accomplice, Uchiha Itachi."

Kabuto was thoroughly confused, but nodded nonetheless.

"Oh, and Kabuto?"

"Yes, milord?"

Smirk. "Inform our chef to prepare a large dinner tonight. Tell him we are going to have… special guests tonight, and I want them to remember this night for the rest of their lives."


	3. How She Got Payback

** Okay, I hope you're all enjoying the story so far. The plot bunnies did… For clarification, there are just a few things I'd like to make clear. Yes, this story is a SakuraXOrochimaru pairing, but not in a romantic sense of way. I repeat: NO ROMANCE BETWEEN SAKURA AND OROCHIMARU, despite how in later chapters he wishes it to be so. This story is mainly crack and tells the story of how Sakura somehow befriends Orochimaru through strange ways and he eventually is forced to turn into a good guy. The only romances in this story are love-hate, unrequited love, and just plain strange love.**

** Thank you.**

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><p>Three o'clock rolled around and found a very grim situation, for the Uchiha clan at least, for they were about to lose their only heir left. After hiding from Sakura for a successful two hours, Itachi finally succumbed to his growling stomach and was forced to make his way over to the surveillance van in hopes of finding food. Lurking in the shadows, glancing around corners, he luckily made his way over to the van with no angered pink haired woman in sight.<p>

But unfortunately for the Uchiha Clan, Itachi just wasn't a lucky guy.

As soon as he opened the door of the van, intent on first threatening Kakashi to keep his whereabouts secret, and then steal from Naruto's stash of ramen, Itachi met his worst nightmare face to face.

Sakura leaped out of the van, eyes glowing red with fury and teeth bared in a snarl, and she tackled him to the snow. Her legs trapped his arms to his sides and her tiny but strong hands latched around his neck. Poor Itachi began seeing spots as she shook him like a ragdoll, occasionally bashing his head into the snow.

"You fucking idiot! Don't you understand the importance of _flavorless_ poison?" she screamed at him and began a tirade on how close she came to death because of him, all the while his vision began to blur.

He opened his mouth to tell her to get off, to reply, to breathe, _anything_, but to no avail. Suddenly terrified for his life, Itachi began thrashing underneath her, desperate to break free. He kicked out with his legs and arched his back to try and throw her off, but Sakura was remaining firmly attached to him, her hands never leaving his neck.

"Say uncle!" she yelled at him," Beg for mercy! Say it!"

"Mm-mm," he tried to speak, he really did, but no sound would leave his throat, the words trapped just below her deadly little hands. Eyes closed and knowing this was the end of his life, he just kept mouthing the word 'mercy' over and over again.

Abruptly, her hands disappeared from around his neck and warm lips settled over his own. Too delirious to realize what was going on, Itachi focused only on how those lips pushed air into his lungs and he never thought air could be even sweeter. When the lips left his own, he spluttered out, but his lungs still begged for oxygen. He sucked a breath in and promptly began coughing; the air was too damn cold and his throat stilled completely.

"Oh, you big baby," he faintly heard Sakura's voice before lips settled over his own one last time and warm air was pushed into his lungs.

"How come Itachi gets a kiss from Sakura-chan?" he heard his cousin Shisui's voice somewhere close by (he peeked his eyes open to see him standing off to the side right next to Kakashi)," _Two_ even!"

Kakashi sighed and smacked his forehead," You idiot. That wasn't a kiss; it was assisted breathing. The only way Sakura would ever give you that is if you were dying. Do you _want_ her to almost kill you?"

Shisui's reply took away everyone's hope for his sanity," If it meant getting to feel Sakura-chan's lips on mine, then _yes_!"

Ignoring the blabbering fool beside him, Kakashi looked towards the duo in the snow," Sakura… Shouldn't you be letting Itachi up now?"

Itachi reverted his gaze back towards the pinkette on top of him, wondering why she was still perched on his chest and pinning his arms down if she wasn't going to kill him anymore. He was met with a rather devious smirk from her pink lips and he felt his blood go cold for which the snow was not responsible.

Glancing at him only once before facing her former sensei, Sakura just shook her head," No, I don't think he's learned his lesson yet. Kaka-sensei, can you please hand me my bag?"

Terrified of his female student and seeing how quick she almost killed the prodigy Uchiha, Kakashi decided it wasn't worth his life to argue her on this point. After all, Itachi _did_ kinda fuck up on sending her a very flavorful poison to slip into Orochimaru's tea. So ignoring Itachi's heated glares, he turned around and rummaged in the van for a moment, soon coming up with her bag. He diligently brought it over to her and to Itachi's horror, she pulled out handcuffs.

As Sakura turned Itachi over onto his stomach so she could cuff his hands behind his back, she told him of her plans," Luckily, you didn't screw this mission up and I have five hours before I enter that house again for negotiations. And guess what, _you're_ coming with me this time."

Itachi gulped, even as she dragged him to his feet; he'd almost rather face Orochimaru alone than both him _and_ Sakura at the same time. She pushed him towards her camper none too gently and continued," And Ino's getting me all dolled up again at seven. So for the next four hours, you and I are going to go over and study every poison in our database. And at the end, I'm going to test you on it. Should you fail, then you'll never celebrate Father's Day. Ever."

_'Kami save me'_ Itachi prayed, hoping against hope that Amaterasu would take pity on a doomed soul such as his. She didn't.

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><p>Seven o'clock couldn't come fast enough for Itachi, and when it did finally roll around, he thought Ino was a godsend. He had been halfway through Sakura's poison test (passing hopefully, if his intact manhood gave any indication) when Ino barged in with her hands full of make-up, hair supplies, and a covered dress.<p>

She froze in the doorway, shocked to see the senior detective handcuffed to a chair in front of Sakura, who held up notecards with names of poisons on them.

"Almost done, Ino-pig," Sakura said nonchalantly, as if having Uchiha Itachi handcuffed in her camper was a normal thing. Despite Itachi's pleading face in Ino's direction, Sakura commanded his attention again," Now, _this_ is the vial of poison you sent me to slip into Orochimaru's tea." Itachi paled, seeing the name written neatly on the front, the same on the bottle in which he took a small sample to send Sakura. At the time, he thought it was ingenious; a quick and simple way to aid Sakura in her mission to take out Orochimaru. He only knew it was a poison. He had no idea of the characteristics of the poison, nor that it even _had_ a flavor.

"Tell me about it, Itachi," the way she nearly purred his name had Itachi feeling quite uncomfortable.

"First developed ten years ago by Suna's former poison specialist, Akasuna no Sasori. Fast acting and death is imminent within three hours. Begins with turning into acid in the ingestive system and burns its way through to the bloodstream. The poison then makes it way to the heart where it then induces a heart attack. Poison itself is clear in color with no smell and… a distinct flavor of iodine," he added almost warily.

Itachi breathed a sigh of relief when Sakura smiled and nodded in agreement," Very good." She then turned to her blonde friend, who was supporting a sly grin," Ready as I'll ever be, Ino-pig."

Ino shook her head at Sakura and stepped fully into the camper," Now let him go, Sakura. Shisui promised me he'll take care of Itachi while I get you all dolled up for your date tonight."

Sakura grumbled but made her way to Itachi's cuffed hands nonetheless," This is going to be a night in Hell, for sure."


	4. How The Mighty Fall

"Haruno-san," one of the guards at the front entrance greeted the recurring guest at the mansion, tilting his head in a slight bow. Sakura smiled back at him, looking dazzling in her full length sea green chiffon dress and bright smile," Evening." She remembered him from this morning, both from when she first walked into the mansion and second when he helpfully pulled from the snow drift.

The guard then turned to Sakura's reluctant date tonight as Itachi stood sullenly in the standard Konoha's police uniform. "Uchiha-san," the guard greeted him as well, though with a sly smirk, as he had seen the debacle prior this afternoon. Itachi frowned at him, not finding the situation funny at all.

"Please come in," the guard said, opening the front door and stepped to the side to let them pass," Orochimaru-sama is waiting in the dining room."

Sakura thanked the guard before pulling Itachi inside, finding a servant in the foyer waiting to lead them to the dining room.

…

The dining room was lit in the same manner as the study, with lots and lots of candles. Sakura eyed the burning sticks of wax longingly,_' Oh, how I just want to knock one over and set the whole place ablaze.'_ But alas, she was deliberately kept away from the fire as they were seated at the table. Sakura noted with dismay that there were guards posted around the room, presumably to make sure she didn't slip anymore poison into the food. To Itachi's own dismay, she fixed him with a death glare.

"I am surprised you even came," Orochimaru's voice echoed around the room as he entered through the kitchen doors, swirling a glass of wine in his right hand. Behind him, a servant followed with two more glasses and a bottle of wine. Orochimaru gestured for the guests to be served and the servant did so quickly, filling the two glasses and setting them in front of Itachi and Sakura.

Itachi eyed the glass of wine in front of him dubiously, wondering if maybe Orochimaru took his idea and decided to poison the wine. Whereas Sakura swiftly picked up the little glass, momentarily inspected the wine with a watchful eye, before delicately taking a sip. When nothing happened, she took another, larger sip, despite Itachi's incredulous look.

Orochimaru smirked, enjoying the Uchiha's discomfort while the woman beside him sipped away at her wine like she was having dinner in her own home. He seated himself at the head of the table, right in between the two detectives, though his chair a tad bit closer to the woman on his left.

"We will renegotiate the terms of my 'surrender' after we dine," he stated, gesturing for a servant to bring out the first course. Sakura immediately huffed and crossed her arms," You aren't going to try and pass those ridiculous conditions by me _again_, are you?"

Orochimaru feigned hurt," My dear Sakura-san, I am hurt that you believe my requests to be ridiculous. I am merely trying to protect myself. After all, we both know the Uchiha clan will want nothing less than the death penalty for me."

"And with good reason," Itachi murmured, finally taking a sip of his own wine, fixing the man in front of him with a glare full of hatred.

Orochimaru ignored the Uchiha heir and instead continued speaking with Sakura. "After all, we have established that my employees and I are able to safely remain here until this whole incident is swept under the rug."

Itachi spluttered at the insinuation that Orochimaru would be able to get away scot free, while Sakura sighed, used to Orochimaru's antics already. "Or until _you're_ swept under the rug," Sakura mumbled into her wine, ignoring Itachi's splutters and Orochimaru's laughs.

"So what will be your next course of action be then, Sakura-san?" the vile man smiled in her direction, ignoring her look of pure disgust," Talk me into surrendering with my life forfeit? Convince me into walking out here with my arms up? Perhaps try to seduce me to get me to comply? Or maybe you'll trust your colleague to come up with another way to kill me?"

Itachi snarled at the presumptuous man, sounding oddly like his brother, Sasuke, on a bad day. Sakura merely snorted," He's already on strike two."

Itachi glared at first her, then at Orochimaru ten-fold. He barely contained his hatred and malice as he seethed between his teeth," How about I just strangle you now and watch the life drain out of your eyes? That sounds agreeable, yes?"

The guards around the room visibly tensed at the spoken threat, ready to take down Itachi the moment he attacked. Sensing the tension in the air, Sakura paled and shot Itachi a nervous glance, wondering if he would really go through with it and risk his life with only her as back-up? She was only one person! She couldn't take down five guards on her own, and she was pretty sure they were all packing heat.

"Itachi?" she spoke his name tentatively, seeing as with how angry he was right now, he just might lunge across the table and wrap his long fingers around Orochimaru's skinny white neck.

The man whose life was in question merely seemed amused at the entire situation and smirked widely at the fuming Uchiha. "Why, I haven't seen such snark and disrespect since Sasuke walked these halls…" he mused, referring to a time when Itachi's own younger brother betrayed their village and family, going to Orochimaru to teach him the ways of the underground. It was a hard blow that still affected Itachi, who loved his brother more than anything in the world, to this day and he blamed it fully on the man before him.

Orochimaru raised an eyebrow at Itachi's sudden snarl," I was always under the assumption that you were the more mature and calm one. Perhaps I was wrong?"

_'He wasn't,'_ Sakura thought as she glanced between the two men, surprised to see her senior detective acting so out of character. Itachi had always been the thoughtful and level-headed one in the team; the snarkiness and temper was her reign while the childishness and unpredictability belonged to Shisui. So what was up with him? Sure, Sasuke's defect was a sore subject for him, but from how Itachi was acting, did his animosity for Orochimaru run deeper than that?

Orochimaru himself merely just grinned when neither Itachi nor Sakura spoke up. Finally turning away from the angered Uchiha, Orochimaru faced a servant waiting by the doors and mildly asked," I believe now would be a good time for dinner to be served."

As the servant went off to retrieve their food, Sakura shot a sour look at the snake lord," As if I'd eat anything _you_ serve."

"Likewise," Itachi echoed.

Orochimaru just grinned, but ignored their comments. What happened next was fairly normal, for their situation, as platters of covered food were brought out and placed before them on the table. The food smelled delicious and though she vowed not to touch a single part of it, Sakura had to admit that the aromatic smells were beginning to make her mouth water. Thank Kami that Kakashi made her eat a light dinner right before coming in here. Though she wasn't sure if Itachi had done the same…

Glancing over at her partner, that's when everything started plummeting from 'fairly normal' to 'downright cruel'. Itachi was eyeing the covered platter in front of him with a mixed look of apprehension and disgust. His nose was scrunched up and Sakura noticed how he had pushed his chair back from the table, as if trying to separate himself as far as possible from the platter.

"Itachi, are you okay?" she questioned, but Orochimaru was the one to answer her. A sly and malicious smile slid across the snake lord's mouth.

"Does the smell of… meat still not agree with you, Itachi-kun?" he asked sweetly, far too sweetly.

And that's when Sakura recognized it. Sniffing lightly, she leaned closer to her own covered platter. That was it. It was the smell of cooked pork and spices. She threw a sympathetic look at Itachi, who couldn't decided between glaring at Orochimaru or the platter before him.

Itachi was a vegetarian; had been since he was fifteen. That was before she knew him and she never found out why he suddenly changed his diet (the man was _not_ a tree hugger and came hunting season, went out and hunted elk right alongside his father), but it was something Shisui assured her would never change. Itachi refused to even touch meat, and vowed never to for the rest of his days.

"_Yes_," Itachi growled lowly," I _am_. So I suggest you take this right back and dispose of it."

That did nothing in the least to deter the infuriating older man. "But you haven't even seen the main course yet." And with a signal from Orochimaru, the servants stepped forward and removed the lids on their food.

On Sakura plate sat a delicious looking pork chop, seasoned to perfection. And on Itachi's…

…a large raw steak sat in a pile of its own blood, looking every bit as rancid as raw meat could be. It wasn't fresh by a long shot, looking as if it'd been left out in the sun for hours… and was that a couple of _flies_ crawling all over it?

Sakura barely managed to get a glimpse of Itachi's horrified face before he bolted to his feet, grabbed her wrist, and all but forcibly dragged her out of there. Keeping a hand covered over his mouth and another grasped tightly onto Sakura, Itachi fled that mansion and Orochimaru's vicious laughter.

_This was personal…_


	5. How Itachi Became a Vegetarian

"Itachi! _Slow _down!" Sakura called out to the man dragging her outside and through the snow. Onlookers, both from the mansion, and their peers, watched in utter confusion as he ignored her and continued on, sleeve still covering his nose and mouth. Was he starting to turn slightly green?

Itachi merely glanced around quickly, seeing too many people, too many witnesses, and changed route for the trailers. He was originally going to go for his own that he shared with Shisui and his father, but seeing the younger of the two suddenly walk into it, he changed directions and pulled Sakura into her own little camper.

"_Itachi!_" Sakura was at her wits end, entirely too confused by what was going on with him. It was just a raw steak. Sure he was a vegetarian, but it shouldn't have affected him this much. The man hunted elk and deer with rifles for crying out loud!

She finally got a reaction out of him, though it was hardly what she had been expecting. Once in the relatively safety of her camper, Itachi released her wrist, only to turn around and pull her close to his body, arms wrapped around her waist.

"Wha?" was all she could get out before he dipped his head down and buried it in her hair, in the junction where her neck met her shoulder. It was then that she noticed he was breathing deeply, taking in gasps of air and very nearly trembling. "What is _wrong_ with you?" she asked, stupefied.

"I'm sorry," he groaned," I'm sorry, but I _need_ to chase the smell away. I can still _smell_ that damn thing; can almost _taste_ it. And you always smell so sweet, like fruit and flowers, and I can't help it." He was rambling, but gave no pause as he held her close, as if she alone could chase away the smell of bad meat and whatever memories it brought back," I saw that meat and all I could see was that rancid, vile, _disgusting_ meat from when I was fifteen. I-I refuse to eat it anymore. I _won't_. I'd rather starve to death if that was my only other option."

Still confused and shocked from his behavior, Sakura did the only thing she could think of and wrapped her arms around his wide shoulders. After a few minutes, he noticeably calmed down, but when she tried to pull away, he just grasped her tighter, refusing to let her go. Pleading that her smell was the only thing keeping him sane. Eventually, she managed to coax him to sit down on the bed, her still awkwardly in his hold.

"It's been a long day, let's lay down," she suggested, and he complied with no argument, especially when it was her bed and smelled just like her. Even if he refused to stop holding her. Eventually, the two of them fell into a restless sleep.

…

The next morning, Sakura woke just after dawn and much earlier than Itachi. Normally, it was the other way around, but from last night's sudden surprise, she wasn't all too concerned that he was this tired. Instead, she disentangled herself from his arms and quickly changed into jeans and a sweater. Had she _really_ fallen asleep in an evening gown? Ino would kill her if she ever found out. Poor dress was wrinkled beyond compare. Neverminding that, she needed answers and knew just where to find them.

Leaving Itachi to sleep, though covering him with a blanket before she left, Sakura made her way over to the Uchiha camper, or RV as it really was. Knowing this family, there was no doubt that Fugaku and Shisui were already awake.

She was deemed correct as she knocked on the door and Fugaku himself opened up after a few moments. Grumbling that he still needed his coffee, he gestured her in and dispassionately made his cup of coffee while she made herself comfortable at their table. Shisui was sitting on his bed, toweling his wet hair and grinning goofily at her. "Why Sakura, how pleasant of you to come see me so early in the morning. Couldn't stay away, could you? Though if you were just a few minutes earlier, you would've been _more_ than welcome to join my shower."

She threw his badge (which had conveniently been lying on the table) at his head with a direct hit," Shut it, Shisui. I'm not here for you, I'm here for Itachi."

He pouted," Mou, so mean Sakura-chan. Besides, he's not even here."

Fugaku hummed lightly, taking a sip of his coffee then looking hard at Sakura. "I am already aware of my son's location, Haruno, though I appreciate you coming to tell me of the matter. I was not aware you two were thinking of dedicating yourselves to one another til I saw with my own eyes as he pulled you into your camper and never came back out." Sakura blushed bright red, but he continued with a small nod," I approve of his choice, and I'm sure Mikoto would say the same. You have our blessing."

Before Sakura could shout out to correct him, Shisui exploded," What?! Itachi spent the night with Sakura-chan?!" He then pointed furiously at his uncle," _You_ told me he was over with Kakashi-sempai! Liar!"

Fugaku merely had to shoot the younger man a glare before he gulped and quickly turned away from the clan head leader. But then he set his sights on Sakura," You and Itachi were getting all cozy cozy last night? _When_ did this start happening? I never thought he'd get you; I wanted to be your boyfriend. I thought he was gay!"

Fugaku cleared his throat warningly," Shisui. Are you insinuating that my oldest son is homosexual? And that he and Haruno are not a good match?"

Before Shisui could splutter out apologies to Fugaku while still defending himself, Sakura cut them both off with a shout," Nothing happened last night! Itachi and I did not have sex!"

While Shisui was immensely relieved, Fugaku appeared to be slightly disappointed. "Mikoto will be most unpleased that she will not be having you as a daughter…" he muttered under his breath, turning back to his coffee and newspaper.

Ignoring the older Uchiha's comment, Sakura calmed herself down and finally got to the reason why she came over here. "Itachi just spent the night in my camper because yesterday's dinner did not end so well."

Shisui snorted," It's Orochimaru. It never ends well."

She resisted the urge to throw something else at him," I know Itachi will never tell me this, so that's why I came to you two. I have to ask you something very important and I want the truth."

At this, Fugaku glanced away from his newspaper to raise an eyebrow," Hn? What do you have need of us for, Haruno? Something about Orochimaru? Or Itachi?"

She took a deep breath, then let it out," I need you to tell me why Itachi became a vegetarian. And don't give me that crap 'he wanted to save animals from becoming hamburgers'. You three go hunting every fall."

Both men blinked. "Why'd you wanna know that?" Shisui asked," It happened when he was fifteen. That was years ago."

"Last night, Orochimaru got Itachi all riled up. I'm talking about downright furious and frothing at the mouth riled up. I've never seen him that angry," she explained," Then when they brought out the food, Orochimaru kept poking at Itachi's refusal to eat meat. The bastard then flaunted a disgusting old, raw steak in front of Itachi."

Shisui gasped in outrage, standing up and shouting," The bastard did what?!" while Fugaku grimaced angrily and clenched his fist. Seeing their reactions, Sakura pointed a finger at the both of them," Aha! There _is_ a story. Now spill."

Fugaku sighed and got his anger under control, then began the tale.

"To make a long story short, Orochimaru always hated the Uchiha clan, and wanted to corrupt both of my sons. Sasuke was not his first choice, though he was the only one to go to his side willingly. When Itachi was fifteen, Orochimaru targeted him first and kidnapped him, planning on breaking him and making him his apprentice."

"It took us a month to find Itachi, but by then, Orochimaru had already begun the process of breaking Itachi's spirit."

At Sakura's gasp, Shisui waved his hands animatedly," No, Itachi was never tortured or such. At least physically. It was all mentally and emotionally, but you know Itachi, that kind of stuff isn't good for him, with him having social problems and all."

"Then what _did_ happen?" she demanded.

Fugaku frowned deeply," Orochimaru is a master at interrogation techniques and used the best of them against Itachi. Messed with his mind, made him believe that help was not coming, that he'd be stuck in that dungeon for the rest of his life, that only _he_ could save him."

"But Itachi's smart, we all know that," Shisui continued," He could still think about it logically; he _knew_ we were looking for him. He knew that if he ever accepted Orochimaru's offer, he'd lose himself completely and would probably be killed anyways. So Orochimaru turned to a more… basic method."

"For three weeks straight, Itachi was only given dirty water once every three days for drink…"

Having a sudden terrible realization, Sakura gulped," And for food?"

Shisui's expression darkened," One raw, maggot infested steak a day. Nothing else." He clenched his fists, shaking in anger," After a week of refusing, Itachi had no other choice. He did what he had to, to survive."

Sakura felt her lip quivering, but spoke anyways," And so… Everytime he sees meat…"

Fugaku nodded," All he sees is maggot infested steak. After we rescued him, he could never eat meat again. It's likely he never will again."

…

It wasn't until nearly eleven-thirty that Itachi finally woke up, bleary eyed and not sure where he was exactly. He took note of the blanket covering him that smelled distinctly of Sakura, his attire in day clothes, though someone had removed his boots, and the smell of eggs and hashbrowns. Sitting up, he turned to see the interior of Sakura's camper, and the pinkette herself humming to herself as she cooked on the tiny stove. Itachi frowned to himself, remembering his actions last night and swung his legs over the edge of the small bed; he really hoped she didn't hate him after this. He'd had enough of her anger after the whole poison fiasco.

Instead, imagine his surprise when she turned to him with a smile and a "Good morning, Itachi." Cautious and wary, he kept an eye on her as he stood up. She pointed to the table with the spatula, where a pile of clothes sat. "Your father picked out some clothes for you; you can change in the bathroom. Breakfast is almost finished."

Now that gave Itachi reason for pause.

If his father had provided a new set of clothes for him, then he knew where he fell asleep last night. And that meant that Shisui knew…

Itachi groaned in despair, even as he picked up the clothes and went to change. Kami would only know what kind of hell Shisui would give him now, if he thought he spent the night with their partner, Sakura. Which he technically did, just not in the sense that Shisui would think of. And then his _mother_! She's been trying to get the two of them together for _years_; she would think of this as them finally stepping in that direction. Oh, the horror…

Hearing Itachi bang his head on the bathroom wall, Sakura paused in her cooking to laugh. She wondered when he'd finally figure it out.

"When you have a moment, please call your mother," she sang out, making sure he heard her and enjoyed his responding groan," She won't believe me when I tell her that we _won't_ be getting married."

BANG! There went his head again…

"Remind me to kill my father," he muttered as he exited the bathroom, now sporting jeans and a simple white button shirt. Not his usual attire, and he frowned, noticing so. (Unknown to him, Sakura both frowned at his attire and ogled it. She had thrown quite a fit when Fugaku presented it to her; the bastard knew she was a sucker for the simple country outfit on men, and if only Itachi didn't look so damn good in it, she would've accused the Uchiha Patriarch of trying something… sneaky.)  
>Instead, she turned to pile cheesy scrambled eggs and toast onto two plates before presenting him with one. Having not eaten the night before, he did not protest the free meal and accepted the food. Sitting beside Sakura on the bed, they both ate in silence, though filled with curious glances from Itachi's side.<p>

"Stop looking at me, Uchiha, and eat your food," came Sakura's dry retort.

"Which is exactly what I'm wondering," he replied, appearing so nonchalant even as he took a bite of his scrambled eggs.

"_Why_ did you make me breakfast?" he asked, remembering the last time he fell asleep in her presence. It had been a long and grueling case, with the three of them spending late nights studying evidence over pizza and energy drinks. As expected, all three of them passed out late in the night, with Itachi and Shisui overtaking Sakura's couch for the most part. The next morning when she woke up and realized what happened, their female partner unceremoniously kicked them out of her apartment without even a breakfast.

Sakura frowned in frustration. " 'Cause apparently, it's the only thing I _can_ do," was her vague answer.

He rose an eyebrow, but didn't ask further, deciding not to look a gift horse in the mouth. Her cooking _was_ rather good.

So about ten minutes later, he prepared to head back to his own camper. As he donned his coat, he seriously contemplated asking his father if they could just blow up Orochimaru's mansion, with the bastard inside it… He glanced at Sakura, and thought if she joined him in his petition, they might have a better chance. (His father favored Sakura over his son and nephew…)

"Put your coat on," he told her, not giving her a chance to refuse," We need to talk to the Chief." (for one never calls the Chief of Police 'Father' while on the job)

Almost instantly, Sakura froze and stared at him with wide eyes. After a brief moment, she chuckled nervously and scratched the back of her head. Itachi narrowed his eyes at her, recognizing the posture. It was one she adopted from Naruto; one that suggested she was in trouble and she knew it, but didn't quite want to admit it yet.

"What?" he demanded.

"Well…" she chuckled again, her eyes not quite meeting his," I kinda… can't."

He sighed," And what do you mean by that?"

"I'm sorta under house arrest for the time being."


End file.
